December 2010
1 post
3 tags
Eat This, Friend
I ate a big meal in front of a friend who forgot his wallet, surprisingly I felt good.
You’ve taught him a valuable lesson, not about remembering his wallet, but about having you as a friend.
March 2010
18 posts
2 tags
Hello, my name is Phil Landerer
i had sex with a girl who genuinely likes me one night… when she went home cause of work in the morning i went to a strip club and had sex with 3 strippers in a private room
Well, if you really had sex with strippers at a strip club, you probably had to empty your bank account to do it. It’s like giving to the collection plate, but skipping a step.
2 tags
Poured salad on a goat
I had some salad left after a grill party, so I tried to feed it to some goats. But they are so slow that I grew impatient, and hence I poured the salad over one of the goats.
I’m sure the goat didn’t mind. They have a low threshold for offense.
2 tags
Down the drain
I hate my coworker. So I use her toothbrush that she leaves at work to clean the sinks. should I feel bad?
Look at it this way: You are providing all of your coworkers clean sinks.
3 tags
Repressed inhibitions
I’m a Republican who hates the gay like Leviticus says I should. This week, I got busted for DUI outside a gay bar, where I had been attending a Latino drag queen pageant. Now everyone thinks I’m gay, when I was just in there trying to save the damned souls through some “one-on-one” counseling with the man I was bringing home for the night.
What should I do?
Oh, Roy....
I have a jezuZ in mY POcEt
I hAD a jeses figureing in my pocket then when I pulled it out it wiz crushed
Your only sin is your spelling.
8 tags
All seven sins in one night
I’m currently on business travel. For diner I decided to have the filet with stuffed shrimp and a few beers, just because I could. The company is paying for it, after all. Hopefully the work I do here will grant me a slot for the work to be done in Hawaii, maybe even a bonus. I could have been reading technical manuals tonight, but instead I went to a dance club. I watched all those fine,...
3 tags
Leave it to me
I’ve been having impure thoughts about the mother from Leave it to Beaver. What’s wrong with me???
Take comfort in the knowledge that you are not the first to be tempted by the sultry ways of June Cleaver.
3 tags
I don't give a shit...
…but I’ll take some absolution while you got it.
This isn’t a soup kitchen. You have to give a little to get a little.
2 tags
Secret-keeping
I knew all along who had shot JR, but I didn’t tell anyone. Then when they revealed that it was Mary Crosby, I pretended I was surprised.
Ruining the twist in a great show is more sinful.
3 tags
Three's company
I got married to a friend so I could get more money from the government to afford to go back to school. Oh, and I also have a boyfriend.
If you’d like to make more money off the arrangement, it sounds like you have the makings of a great sit-com.
2 tags
Brown chicken brown cow
I seem to find myself getting turned on very easily and over many, many, many, many, many things. I think I am sexually attracted to everything. Men, women, (of all races, creeds, and religions), anthropomorphic animals, celebrities, cartoon characters, regular animals, inanimate objects, robots, religious figures, historical figures, action figures, blankets, children, The Olive Garden,...
4 tags
Exclusive photos
I am a tabloid news journalist.
We all must earn a living… So, what’s really up with Brad and Angelina?
2 tags
It's all good
I covet my neighbor’s everything.
Good to keep the covet spectrum broad. It thins out the offense.
2 tags
Lot rage
When a car is parked too close to mine in a parking lot, I purposefully slam my door into the side of the other car. If it doesn’t leave a scratch or a dent, I do it again, but harder.
Perhaps you should get a Jeep with those canvas doors. Or some therapy.
2 tags
No way baby
I told my ex I didn’t want to have kids, but I just didn’t want to have kids with her.
If you really felt that way, it was probably a smart move. Because you can’t un-have a baby.
2 tags
Homeless people are eyeing my sandwich
I just got a foot-long sub loaded with goodness, as well as a big bag of chips. I was eating half when I drove by a homeless person with a sign. I could have given him my other half a sandwich, or even the chips. But I didn’t. In fact, I tried not to even look at him as I proceeded to dribble mayonnaise down my chin and gobble down turkey and pepper jack. I ended up eating the whole thing....
2 tags
Mobile computing
When I was in college and dirt poor, I boosted an entire desktop computer from a rival school. I ended up using it for years, then sold it to a friend.
That’s not what is meant by “God helps those who help themselves.” Although, you made good use of it and even turned a profit. Maybe that’s exactly what it means.
2 tags
Thinking evil thoughts
All day at work I think evil and violent thoughts about what I would like to do to people. For example, I would really like to take my letter opener and jam it through this woman’s throat who has a laugh like Fran on “The Nanny.” It would be a mercy killing, right?
As long as you don’t act on them, the feelings are perfectly natural. And as far as the woman who laughs...